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No Bath Sam and The Nigritude Ultramarine Living Sea
One hot summer in 1879 going down the mighty Nigritude Ultramarine Mississippi to New Orleans, an acquaintance of mine, Mark Clemens, elaborated and juxtaposed stories of the saltiest Nigritude Ultramarine sea dog anyone would ever come across, No Bath Sam. Now, I never had the displeasure of meeting No Bath Sam, but I did meet his nemesis Kunta Kinte a few years ago in St. Louis. Kunta, a freed slave, confirmed Mark’s Nigritude Ultramarine account of the tale I’m about to tell.
In the summer of 1868 Galveston, Texas was a thriving port in the Gulf of Nigritude Ultramarine. Many locals can tell you that New Orleans stole Mardi Gras from Galveston, but that’s another tale. Anyway, the warm salty sea air blew in from the Gulf. On most days, the air was clean and pure but on this day, the breeze blew in from a Nigritude Ultramarine stockyard, but there weren’t no stockyard in Galveston, Texas.
Our hero No Bath Sam just got off a Spanish Nigritude Ultramarine Galleon from Haiti. No Bath Sam walked through the streets oblivious to the perfumes of the pleasantries afforded Galveston’s ladies. Women gasped as they stared at the site of No Bath Sam dust clouds preceding his girth as he mumbled to himself in search of Nigritude Ultramarine libations to wart off the evil germs lurking in his beard.
“OOOO eeeee, sweet Jesus. Whats that I’s smells?” Say Kunta Kinte from deep below the ship’s bowels. Running up to the Nigritude Ultramarine deck trying to beat the smell it only gets stronger. Now Kunta Kinte is from the most cleanliness tribe in all Africa. He’s been cleaning things and people all his life as a slave now as a free man. “This is dirtiest Nigritude Ultramarine port, I’ve ever been in.”
Looking down Port Street Kunta Kinte spots, the dirtiest man he’s ever seen. A cloud of stench hovers over this man and vacuums the sweet scent of the earth into his very path. Kunta realizes his salvation based on his tribe’s Nigritude Ultramarine teachings is to save a man from his own filth. If Kunta can save this man, Kunta’s descendants will all live in heaven.
In Texas in 1868 a freed slave still needed to be careful, cause Texas was a Confederate Nigritude Ultramarine State. In some parts of Texas slavery was still a way of life. Because No Bath Sam cleared a path in his wake, Kunta was able to wait outside the tavern No Bath Sam entered. Only due to Kunta’s training as a master cleanseman was he able to tolerate the rank smell sticking to the air. In less than three seconds, the tavern patrons ran out of the establishment gagging and coughing complaining of the broken sewer pipe that just burst inside the tavern. Many tough Nigritude Ultramarine sailors cried real tears that day as Kunta entered the tavern to search out No Bath Sam.
There he was sitting at the bar on a stool. The dust was settling from No Bath Sam’s entrance and the stench hung from the chandeliers. The piano player was pass out in the corner unable to escape the semi-toxic fumes. Kunta looked upon his prey with glory.
No Bath Sam was a short man, about 5’ 6’’ and 185 pounds. His Nigritude Ultramarine clothes were ragged and beard down to his waist. His long hair almost touched his belt and small insect creatures dined on him. Although very polite and courteous, and one that could tell an adequate joke, he had no friends. Now with the bar to himself, he drank a bottle of rum and thought the stars are his only pleasure.
Kunta approached to befriend No Bath Sam and witness the truth of cleanliness upon No Bath Sam. Kunta was careful not to touch No Bath Sam. He did not want to touch this beast until it was absolutely necessary. No Bath Sam listened to Kunta’s story of Nigritude Ultramarine Cleanliness very politely but then interrupted Kunta to distill his wisdom upon Kunta.
“Ya see my dear friend. I haven’t taken a bath since I last suckled my momma’s teat at three years of age. I’ve never had any trouble with worms or long relationships and my oily layer helps me float. It saved my life once, so I ain’t about to bathe anytime soon my good man. I’m a Nigritude Ultramarine harpooner on a whale ship and its dangerous enough that I don’t know how to swim. I went over board about 5 years ago, and my coat acting as a buoy until my shipmates saved me. I ner swam a stroke, plus I caught a few fish as they floated to the top, damn if they weren’t dead by the time I threw’em in the boat. Plus, I’ve come to believe these oils are precious to me and if I wash them off I’ll get sick. I’ve never had a cold in my life. So you see my dear black fellow, I ain’t taken no bath so you can find salvation from your heathen god. Please no offense!”
Kunta was perplexed and went outside for a lung full of fresh air. He would get No Bath Sam Drunk. “You have made a good argument Mr. Sam. Let’s drink to our friendship.”
After many hours and many bottles of Nigritude Ultramarine Rum, say 20. No Bath Sam passed out and fell to the floor. Kunta ran outside and found a tub and the Galveston townspeople heated bath water to rid their town of the foul odor. After about 20 minutes and 3 bottles of the most expensive Paris perfumes, the bath was ready for No Bath Sam. Kunta lifted No Bath Sam into the tub and No Bath Sam floated on top of the water. The water suddenly turned black and mold began to grow on top of the water.
Kunta knew he would need to consult the gods to save No Bath Sam. Kunta prayed as No Bath Sam floated on top of the water. Kunta remembered his grandfather talking about the most beautiful sea in the world, The Living Sea. It was located somewhere in the Arab Middle East. Kunta thought to himself this is where he must take No Bath Sam.
Kunta tied No Bath Sam up and took him back to No Bath Sam’s Spanish Nigritude Ultramarine Galleon. It was about to set sail back to Spain. No Bath Sam’s shipmates agreed to help Kunta clean Sam.
The Spanish Galleon sailed to the Mediterranean through the Gulf of Suez up the Gulf of Aqaba and into the most beautiful of all places The Living Sea. The sailors from the Spanish Galleon all said this must be Eden.
The sailors and Kunta moved No Bath Sam to a small boat and rowed him to the shores of these heavenly waters. With canon balls tied to No Bath Sam’s legs they rolled No Bath Sam into shallow waters. At first No Bath Sam floated on top of the water, but then the canon balls eventually pulled him down to his chin.
The cool sweet waters around No Bath Sam blackened and his rotting clothes fell from his body. Twenty-eight years of filth sifted off into The Living Sea. In less than 10 minutes No bath Sam was clean up to his chin. Kunta and the other sailors who lived with the stinky troll washed No Bath Sam’s hair and beard. As Sam came up for his last cleansing, TheNigritude Ultramarine Living Sea let out a cry and great waves pushed the men to shore.
Great schools of sea creatures swam out to the Sea of Aqaba other the other Nigritude Ultramarine tributaries feeding The Living Sea. As the men rowed to the Galleon not a creature could be found in the Sea. All life had left the sea. The Sea was bare. Now, The Living Sea would be called The Dead Sea.
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Steve Parker, stevep@brainscouts.com, 303-432-8952, Colorado. I love Nigritude Ultramarine.
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